I know, I know. It's a New Year.

Welcome to 2015. Enjoy your stay!

Last year, I made a list of resolutions to keep for 2014. Do you want to know how I did?

1. Finish at least half of my TBR pile. (The whole pile is numbering close to fifty, now.) 
2. Paint my room over. (It's my little sister's old room, and the most atrocious yellow color. Also, she left a few foul-mouthed messages written across them.)
3. Get my driver's license. (I've only got my learner's permit right now.)
4. Turn 18 years old in April. (That one should be easy to keep.)
5. Graduate in June. (Also easy. I'm pretty much guaranteed it at this point, as long as I keep showing up to school.) 
6. Work on my knitting. (As in, at least every week. Right now, it's looking pretty sad.)
7. Work on clay. (Something I've always wanted to do, but now that I have clay and space to work with it, I find myself reluctant to start.)
8. Put up some puzzles. (I have half a dozen of them sitting around my room.)

#1 -- No. My TBR list grew, if anything. Sadly, my local B&N has closed, as of a few days ago, and now my source of books has become mainly libraries. Happily, there is a library in the small town not too far away from my college, and they have an agreement with my college library -- so I don't even have to leave school grounds to turn in/pick up books!
#2 -- No. It is still yellow. But now that room is my mom's office, and so it is her problem now.
#3 -- No. I still have my learner's permit. Perhaps I shall always have it.
#4 -- Yes. I did manage to turn 18, at least.
#5 -- Yes. I did manage to graduate, It was great, somewhat.
#6 -- No. They even have a knitting group at my college, and I never remember to go. I keep thinking, maybe next week.
#7 -- No-ish. I worked on it once. This past December. And it never came to anything, because my parents are too busy to dig out the kiln and help me fire it.
#8 -- No. They are still here, waiting to be put up. Maybe I'll get around to it this week. Maybe not.

So there you have it. 2/8 of my resolutions last year. Aren't I wonderful at keeping promises. So, what's new this year? My resolutions? They are not quite new, I suppose, they are the same things I have been resolving to do for a long time. Namely:

1. Exercise more. (Say, more than once a month.)
2. Go back to college, study more. (Incur even more debts in the process...)
3. Blog more often. (It's been awhile -- where did December go?)
4. Eat healthier. (Not too hard at college, but near impossible in my own home.)
5. Get out of my (dorm) room more often. (There are plenty of concerts and such like at college.)
6. Play more video games. (Which does not usually feature on people's resolutions, I gather.)
7. Make some jewelry. (I have plenty of pendants, not enough chains, wire, or pliers.)
8. Keep my living spaces cleaner. (Everything I come into contact with becomes cluttered.)

I have a nice schedule next semester, so I'm looking forward to it. Only 13 credit hours, instead of the 16.5 I had last semester. (12 is the lowest required number of credit hours to be considered a full-time student.)

What else? My blogging, I hope, will flourish under a lesser school load. It doesn't seem likely, though, since as you can see, video games is another one of my resolutions. I think I might be able to keep more of them this year. My college is pretty big, land-wise (over 3,000 acres), though there aren't many people (the Class of 2018, my class, is less than 150 people). That means it takes exercise to get anywhere -- it takes about a 5 minute walk to get up to the library, for example, but it's quite hilly and there are a great number of steps in the way. (Did I mention those 3,000 acres are nestled a penny's throw from the mountains?)

The one I think I will have the most trouble with is the last one. I can never summon up enough energy to clean things, unless I am feeling sick. It's odd, I know, but if I am nauseous I will feel this urge to get up and clean the bathroom, or organize my desk, or do my laundry. Luckily, by the end of fall semester I found a new study place that I love -- the laundry room in the basement of my dorm building. It isn't usually busy, and the sound of the laundry machines is soothing. There isn't much in the way of desks or chairs, of course, but there is a nice table under which I can sit and go unnoticed (for the most part).

2014... is over. I am glad. I am scared, too, because I do not know what the new year will bring -- for the first time, I dreaded the new year coming, because can it really be better? The unthinkable has already happened, but is this one of those things where it has to get even worse before it gets better? I hope not. I hope I am allowed a break, to have a happy and healing year. Or if not happy, then at least the latter. The new year will bring what it may, but I hope for a few pauses in which to simmer and boil and have my grief come from an unfinished state to something whole. A part of me, rather than a piercing thorn in my heart.

So, here is a toast to the old year -- a picture of Odin and Mary Shelley. If you scroll through my old posts, you will see a couple pictures of them. They died November 2014 -- just a couple months ago. My older sister -- a wonderful, eccentric person -- was heading to her apartment in Lynchburg when she -- well, they said she must have dozed at the wheel; it was late at night -- she hit a tree. She and her two cats all died. It's been tough, these past few months. But it is the start of a new year, and I don't think Chelsea would have been pleased to have me mope about, doing nothing -- she always used to complain about that. I set a list of things I think would be simple enough to put into practice, and I lowered my credit hours to 13... and I can only hope that with this simplifying of my life, I can find the time to do my life well.

Have a blessed day, and have a happy new year.

Odin.

Mary Shelley. 

Thanksgiving. (Yesterday's Account.)

I am thankful for my family, (though we are reeling from loss).
I am thankful for my life, (though I am hurting).
I am thankful for the roof over my head, (though it's painful to be home).
I am thankful for my health, (though I've had a cold this week).
I am thankful for my books, (though I can't escape myself completely in them anymore).
I am thankful for my college, (though it is painful to be there, as well).
I am thankful for --
For --

I am thankful for my faith and belief in God and Jesus, (because without that, I would truly go mad.)

Angel (left), Tumble (right)

It's Been a Long Time -- Or, a Serious Blog Talk.

The time, my friend, has come 
To talk of other things --
Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax,
Of cabbages and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot, 
And whether pigs have wings.
~Alice in Wonderland (1951) (Disney)

So, I know it has been months. You've stopped noticing. Stopped caring. Moved on with your life, as it were. I'm real sorry about that.

Right now, instead of bits of my own poetry or a book review or some fluffed out rant on romance or summaries, I want to have a Serious Blog Talk. Not the serious talk of I'm-About-to-Quit-Forever. It's the talk of the future and the past, of where I want things with this blog to go, and how I'll keep to a posting schedule.

Because I like this blog. I want to keep it. It keeps me sane, sometimes, to flick through my own sometimes childish or clumsy writings, and to write some more. And goodness knows, these blog posts are easier to read through than 50,000 word manuscripts, or my painful-to-look-at poetry.

My problem is posting it in the first place. I have a hard time getting up the urge to post. I shouldn't listen to "urges" or "the Muse" or anything else -- I know that. I should sit my butt in the chair and work. But this is a lot harder now, at college, where there is a ton of other work that needs to get done -- for example, the two papers I have due next week, or massive amount of textbook reading I haven't gotten to because I've been attending classes, working on shorter, more immediate homework like translating Greek sentences, or attending cool things like the Fall Festival, where we got free mason jars to decorate and popcorn and candy to eat, while sitting around having a normal conversation with friends.

The list goes on and on. And, to make things worse, my life has gotten sticky and sad. I don't want to do much of anything anymore. It was like that before -- before November, before college life, before high school, even. But it's gotten worse, because my sister died.

Chelsea, my older sister, was 22 years old. She got her Bachelor's degree in Biology this past May -- my mother, her, and me all graduated at the same time. We got to stand up at the podium, at the front of the sanctuary at our church, while a line of people came up to congratulate us. She had just started working toward her Master's this semester. She loved bugs, and free food, and drawing, and Dumpster-diving.

She died in a car accident November 2nd, 2014. A couple weeks ago, now. At times, it doesn't hit me -- I sit there and smile, and the thought begins to form -- Chelsea would love this -- and then I choke. What does random Greek sentences matter, in the face of that? What does posting on a blog matter, or reading a book, or attending class?

It's only been a couple weeks. It's as clear and bright and painful as the slowly-growing-colder air. Everything has to keep being arranged, when I want to go back in time -- to 2013, 2012, 2002. Some other time, before such a horrific event, before any of us knew this was coming. When we could have a measure of peace. When we were a whole family, complete -- because we can heal, now, after the event, but we will never be whole without our Chelsea.

But we have to deal with the future, no matter how much we want to go back in time. Life moves forward. My parents have to clean out her apartment. I have to continue my studies, make up the week I lost when I went home for the visitors and the funeral. I have to eat meals, and take showers, and pull out all these blasted sweaters and scarves and fingerless gloves. I got a work-study job, Monday afternoons -- I'll only be making around $22 to $27 a week, but it's money. I need to start thinking about Christmas, of what I'll get my family.

I have a mountain of laundry to do, and blog posts to write. I have a weekend to look forward to -- a trip on Sunday to Richmond, to see the Agecroft Manor or VMFA (Virginia Museum of Fine Arts). Later tonight, my friends are going to the movies, and they invited me.

All of this leads up to my main point, that this blog is going to look a lot different. I didn't want to bring my personal life into this, but it's a personal blog -- it's about books, which are as close to my heart as cats or my family. Well, maybe a bit less, as I've found myself more inclined to stare out windows and feel numb than reading books.

I don't think I can stand, right now, cheeriness and book reviews of lighthearted novels. I can't be enthusiastic about anything, not characters I love or fantastic worlds. I still love them -- I may still gush about them -- but I think that I need to take a step back, and talk more frankly about more. About my own writing. About the books I'm reading for class -- like English Women and War Literature. About the ways I'm keeping track of everything, from my personal reading to my class reading to my writing and personal time.

Poetry, I'll post -- most of it is spur-of-the-moment, stream-of-consciousness, which almost defines my writing. That's what this blog post is, after all. I'll probably still post book reviews, and things I find aggravating in books, like how ridiculous it is when authors try to cram a romance in their novel, for no other reason than to do it, and then don't even mention such a thing in the summary.

Right now, I have many things to do. I want to post, say, once a week. I'll try to do so. It's hard to do anything right now, but I want to try. So, I'll leave it here, and see what comes next week -- if I can keep to my word about this.

English Classes

I sit through
English 108:
Women and Literature.
More like
Women and War.

Greek soldiers,
Mrs. Dalloway,
countless women refugees

Somewhere,
deep within,
a tree creaks under the weight
of
death,
grief,
violence,

I should have --
dropped the class?
But the thought goes
unfinished

Because
it weighs
heavy and silent,
but so, too,
weighs the thought
that perhaps I
should join these authors
some day.

--JDM,
The Girl Who Sits Silent and Listens.

A Small Switchover (Or rather, a Big One)

So, I'm a college student. Hooray and all that.

But what I want to discuss right now is non-fiction vs. fiction. Because I am about to read a slew of articles and textbooks, and quite frankly I'll have to stop this whole "I'm gonna read in bed all day. For fun." attitude. I simply cannot afford to spend all day reading books -- novels -- in bed all day, when I have so much to learn and stuff into my head for tests and just general knowledge in case I do need it later on.*

Today I had Early and Medieval Britain. In which we learned some very interesting things (Cheddar Man, anyone?) but more specifically, my professor gave us a list of books on Celtic and Early Britain, Ireland, and that general area, in case we need to write a paper later on. (Hint hint, nudge, wink.)

And some of the titles look interesting. Lots on ancient Ireland, on Celtic Mythology and just Celtic 101, that sort of thing. And of course, it's likely to be dry reading. Dry as the textbook we have for class. And maybe a little confusing, as names change and there's no written records from that time period and etc.

But maybe I want to try it. Inure myself to the dryness of the text and engage with it in an intellectual way. What does this time period really look like? Primary sources are one thing, but modern books? Our textbook declares that this period of Britain (the 1st millenium, which is to say about from the time the Roman invaded to the time of the Norman conquest) is shaped not just by the Anglo-Saxons -- which is a belief held by a lot of scholars -- but by the whole of Europe.

(Britain at this time is very insular -- they're islands. Separated from the mainland, and not just geographically, but culturally. Rome/Greece was where the "civilization" is -- the Celts, for all intents and purposes, are stuck in a sort of Stone Age, despite the fact that they are brilliant metalworkers. I mean, they're known for painting themselves blue and rushing naked but for their shield into battle, where they are likely to fight with all the might of a mythical Berserker.)

And I want to learn about it. Ireland fascinates me. Mythology fascinates me. And the idea that there are no written records -- that all we have to go on are archaeological finds, like spears and shields and cairns and the like -- excites me. Because, like in literature, there is some level of speculation in this. It's not that my textbook is dead right and I should memorize it -- it's that I am allowed to read it and rip it apart if I like, or I can praise it to the heavens. I can form my own educated opinions, because the text serves the dual purpose of informing/educating me, and letting me decide myself if I believe what I've been given.

This is a revolutionary idea for me. AP classes, sure, tried to teach me that, but for the first time it sinks in -- I am an adult, and now I get to inform myself. It's not just doing homework; I am paying a lot of money to learn, and that I had better do.

And all of this is a roundabout way of saying that, for the time being, perhaps I want to set aside my fiction. Just for a little bit. Maybe just the semester, or just the month. But I kind of want to try my hand at nonfiction, at the reference books I brought with me but didn't think I'd ever get around to reading. At the wealth of knowledge waiting at my fingertips in our library on campus.

And maybe I'll share some of the less-dry ones here with you. My book reviews may be dominated for a while with non-fiction. Or maybe they won't. Maybe my self-imposed sentence will fall apart on me. Maybe I'll spend my time balancing fiction and textbooks.

But a small part of me tells me I need to learn to toughen up. Discipline myself. And where better to start than in my reading style? Like I said, I am up to my ears in student debt. It'd be a shame if that fell apart because I can't sit through reading my textbook. Inure myself to the world of non-fiction. Because I am decently sure that it should be worth some of my attention, too.

I have textbooks in at least six of my seven classes. All of them want me to read and understand. So I'd best get started.

*This is not to say novels teach me nothing and are a waste of time. Novels are very informative. They have taught me, at some time or another, all that I know of myself and the basics of human nature. And, of course, plenty of authors do their research, so I may take some of the general information and know that, too. But what I mean here is that college needs specifics: for example, one of my classes, my Honors Inquiry class (which is worth 1 credit hour, not the usual 3) deals with the history of my college. It used to be a plantation, there's a slave burial ground, even. But I need to research deeply -- through the archaeological and written records, I need to examine the real individuals who worked here, who lived here, and who died here, and how it is all of these people and their influences on the college founder came to the decision to turn this college from a plantation into a college. I need letters from the founder's father, not a novel set in this time period at this college. Because I am dealing strictly with this reality, and therefore I need non-fiction.

I love fiction, but I have never given much attention to non-fiction. And I think it is time for me to try it on, and the best way for me to do so, I think, is to focus on it for awhile exclusively, to get myself into the habit of reading non-fiction. That's my way of doing things: instead of trying to get it to penetrate my daydreams and bring myself to earth, I often incorporate it into my dream world and there it sticks. The details I need.

And also, by the way, this is probably necessary background reading. To understand anything on the history of a place, I need the knowledge. I will still be sitting in bed all day, reading books. But now, I do not have the luxury of reading whatever I want or feel like reading. I just want to pick up the reading I have to do, but also am curious about and want to read, also. This very long aside is because, while I feel a tad guilty for setting it aside, fiction needs to take a backseat while I figure all of this out and make some coherent form of sense in my classes.

Hello, Dear Friends.

It has been a long while. I know. Summer is not the most productive time for me. For some reason, being given all the time in the world to do whatever I want, I invariably choose to sit on the couch watching Bones or Law and Order, while occasionally picking myself up to go sit on my bed to read a book.

However, now that summer is over, I am in college. Yep -- college. Where the cost of textbooks and the amount of homework both pile up as time goes on.

But this is not really what my blog is about. As I mentioned in my last post, this is a reading/writing blog. So I shall endeavor to explain my reading and writing schedule for the next month.

As my laptop has no Microsoft Word, and I am not entirely fond of Open Office, my writing has been moved to pen and paper. This goes slowly, as I am not used to writing out whole drafts. I hardly manage to write out outlines on paper, and I love outlining. As again, my plot is not anywhere near workable -- I know it is this element that is off, somehow, ringing false in my own head. The pivotal element of my previous plots hinge on actions my character has no inclination to do, for it is outside of her personality to choose such options.

But this time I think I may have it right. I always think this, of course: if I didn't think the plot idea was right, then I wouldn't write out a full draft exploring it. But I am learning more about my work as I progress. Each failed plot, each wrong draft brings me closer to a workable one, because it presents to me new angles through which to see my character and setting, and what themes I want it to reflect.

I had thought I knew everything about Spike. I thought I knew her likes and dislikes, her intelligence and grace, her flaws and arrogance and entitlements. But now I realize I have not been able to discern her next move. When confronted with Enemy A, does she back away? Does she engage in conversation? I am sure she doesn't try to fight it out. That is the one move I know she would never pull. Which is why it is very hard to articulate a plot which moves forward smoothly, and which forces her to take that action she would never do.

The move to pencil and paper is a drastic one. It is different, scrawling it out: it takes more time, and it LOOKS different in my handwriting. But working in a computer lab on campus means leaving my dorm room, and anyways, I do not entirely remember where they are. So I am hoping the change in writing equipment is for the better.

Right now, I need to practice Greek, and read up on Early and Medieval Britain, and yes, to keep writing. But I will try to post once a week regarding books I've read, works I'm writing, and perhaps to recommend certain tips to you about research (as that is what college is good for: taking whole classes so you may learn one crucial detail on how your novel plays out).

Have a blessed day.

  

So, an Update Might Be in Order

In case you hadn't noticed, I changed the theme of my blog around. I liked the black and white and blue, but I needed a change.

Lately, I've been thinking more than usual. If you follow my blog, you might have noticed I've posted much less this summer than I have for most of the year. And mostly, I've been thinking over what I want from this blog. (And about cats.* But that's not unusual from me.)

This blog, evident from its name, is really about the Writer Me. The Reader Me. The part of me who'd spend the rest of her life in a library if she could. And yes, the change in its looks goes into that. I like the slightly more mellow look this has; it looks more relaxed and softer, somehow, and that's what the reader part of me looks like: a girl who likes books, and daydreams about being a fairy, and likes writing about her daydreams.

But I feel like I've begun to lose focus. A lot of what I post are book reviews and ranting against random book-ish topics. I started this blog for that, yes. But a large part of what I post is also personal updates, and why I have trouble following a regular schedule. The Writer Me is not my whole identity. But my "whole identity" isn't really a part of this blog. I didn't start this blog for it to be about my whole identity.

And so, henceforth, I plan on posting more book reviews and more book-related topics. Maybe there'll be the occasional gem dug up through the constant research I go through. But I feel uncomfortable just writing stream-of-consciousness here.

I realize the majority of you lovely readers are probably readers. Maybe you are writers, too. Maybe you review books. That's what we have in common: we love books. That's what this blog is about, sharing a love of books.

Now, that still leaves the matter of the rest of me. Like many writers, I have a life outside of my writing. (If I didn't, I would probably end up on the streets; writing doesn't exactly pay well when you haven't even been published yet.) And I want to talk about that, too.

After a lot of thought, I think I might start up another blog, one on the Student Me. The one that wants to go to college, and get good grades, and learn everything I want to know. (The writer part of me likes to conveniently forget homework and studying that I don't want to do.)

Since I am going off to college, I'll be pretty busy. And running two blogs won't help. So, instead of posting on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays (and failing miserably), I'll likely post on one blog every Monday, and the other every Friday. With maybe the occasional Wednesday post. I'm thinking I'll post on here on Fridays, since the weekend is when I do most of my writing/reading/random research.

But I want to know what you think. Should I keep a separate blog for my more personal life? Or do you like my sporadic, stream-of-consciousness posts under my Life In General tag? Comment on this post or vote in my poll!

Have a blessed July day and enjoy these photo of my sister's kittens. :)

*Odin: his main talents are looking cute and knocking things over. Also, he's very good at being curious and taking his medicine.

Mary Shelley: fun-loving, adorable, and very jealous that she is no longer the center of attention. But I still love her.